Over the Christmas holiday, I found myself watching much of the two Star Wars trilogies on Spike, and after watching some of the first act in Jabba's palace, I couldn't help but try to imagine what the planning sessions for that rescue mission must have been like. Rather than tell you what I mean, I think I'll just show you with this "lost" scene from Return of the Jedi:
---------------
INT. LUKE'S PLANNING ROOM
Luke shuts the door. Leia, Lando, Chewie and R2-D2 are all in attendance.
LUKE: Okay, I’ve got 3PO busy talking to the binary load lifters out back. Should be safe for us to meet.
LANDO: I don’t understand why he’s not allowed to see me and Chewie. This has been going on for months since we left Cloud City.
LUKE: Because it’s important that he think you and Chewbacca never returned from Jabba’s Palace.
LANDO: But why?
LUKE: It just is. Trust me. Anyway, Lando’s managed to pass himself off as one of Jabba’s guards, so we’ve got a man on the inside.
LANDO: So what’s the plan? Wait until Jabba’s asleep, I do a little voodoo on the security and then defrost Han and sneak him out of the palace before anyone’s the wiser?
LUKE: I don’t like it. It’s too risky. You need back-up – so I’m going to give R2 and 3PO to Jabba.
R2-D2 twitters angrily at that.
R2-D2: (subtitled) WTF? Not a chance!
As 3PO isn’t there to translate, no one knows what he says. Luke mistakes it for excitement.
LUKE: That’s right, R2! You’re going to help save Han!
R2-D2: (subtitled) Who put this guy in charge? Since when is the farmboy a master tactician?
LUKE: I know you’re excited, R2, but we need to work out the plan first.
LEIA: Do we really need to send the droids in? 3PO is useless in a rescue scenario and it’s better if we’re only risking one man. Possibly less than a complete man since it’s Lando.
LANDO: I said I was sorry about that whole betrayal thing! Look, if we need another man on the inside, I still say it’d be damn easy to sell Leia to Jabba as a new dancing girl. She’d have prime access to the throne room and might come in handy as distraction.
LEIA: I would rather be the daughter of Darth Vader than be forced to wear some kind of skimpy harem get-up as that slug’s personal slave!
R2-D2: (subtitled) Uh… about that first thing, Princess… Be careful what you wish for.
LEIA: It sounds like R2 agrees with me.
LUKE: For what it’s worth, Leia, I think you could pull the slave girl outfit off.
Leia musters a disgusted chuckle. R2 chirps.
R2-D2: (subtitled) Kid, I hope the Jedi medical insurance covers therapy... because you'll be seeing a shrink for years once you do your family tree.
LUKE: Okay, so once we have the droids inside then we’ll send Leia in disguised as a bounty hunter and she’ll give Chewie to Jabba!
CHEWIE: (Subtitled) Say what?
LEIA: I’m confused. How does giving the droids to Jabba make it easier for me to turn Chewie over to Jabba?
CHEWIE: (subtitled) Better question: why do I have to be taken prisoner?
LANDO: Why do we need Chewie locked up too? That’s just one more person to save.
LUKE: The last time we listened to you, everyone got captured. I’m running this show. Anyway, once Chewie’s locked up and everyone’s gone to bed, Leia will unfreeze Han and get him out of the palace.
LANDO: Should I help her?
LUKE: It’s too risky. Might blow your cover.
LANDO: How about I disable security? Make sure Jabba’s not anywhere nearby? Create a diversion?
LUKE: No, just sit back. No matter what happens, don’t help Leia.
LEIA: What if we get caught?
LUKE: You won’t get caught.
LANDO: Ah... I get it. Because while Leia’s doing that, you’ll have 3PO, R2 and Chewie doing something to make Leia and Han’s escape possible.
LUKE: No, they do nothing.
LANDO: But why send them in at all?
LUKE: We need Leia on the inside and the only way to give her credibility as a bounty hunter is to have her bring in Chewie.
LANDO: I’m already on the inside! Why do you need the droids there too?
LEIA: Yeah, I don’t quite see how Chewie and I really add anything to this. Or 3PO for that matter.
R2-D2: (subtitled) Especially 3PO.
LANDO: And what are you doing in all this, Luke?
LUKE: Easy, I go in, negotiate with Jabba for Chewie’s release and if things get dicey, R2 will have my lightsaber.
LANDO: But what if they search R2? And how do you know Jabba won’t put him somewhere other than the throne room. And if you don’t send Chewie in in the first place, then you won’t need to go in personally to get him out!
LUKE: Oh for crying outloud. (waves his hand across Lando and Leia’s eyes) This IS a great plan.
Lando and Leia falls under the spell of the Jedi mind trick.
LANDO and LEIA: This IS a great plan!
LUKE: Absolutely nothing can go wrong.
LANDO and LEIA: Absolutely nothing can go wrong.
LUKE: Now let’s get to work on my absurdly complicated rescue mission. R2, try not to get searched or have your memory erased by Jabba’s droid minders. Otherwise, we’re screwed!
Lost scene from Return of the Jedi - Luke's plan to save Han Solo from Jabba the Hutt
Over the Christmas holiday, I found myself watching much of the two Star Wars trilogies on Spike, and after watching some of the first act in Jabba's palace, I couldn't help but try to imagine what the planning sessions for that rescue mission must have been like. Rather than tell you what I mean, I think I'll just show you with this "lost" scene from Return of the Jedi:
---------------
INT. LUKE'S PLANNING ROOM
Luke shuts the door. Leia, Lando, Chewie and R2-D2 are all in attendance.
LUKE: Okay, I’ve got 3PO busy talking to the binary load lifters out back. Should be safe for us to meet.
LANDO: I don’t understand why he’s not allowed to see me and Chewie. This has been going on for months since we left Cloud City.
LUKE: Because it’s important that he think you and Chewbacca never returned from Jabba’s Palace.
LANDO: But why?
LUKE: It just is. Trust me. Anyway, Lando’s managed to pass himself off as one of Jabba’s guards, so we’ve got a man on the inside.
LANDO: So what’s the plan? Wait until Jabba’s asleep, I do a little voodoo on the security and then defrost Han and sneak him out of the palace before anyone’s the wiser?
LUKE: I don’t like it. It’s too risky. You need back-up – so I’m going to give R2 and 3PO to Jabba.
R2-D2 twitters angrily at that.
R2-D2: (subtitled) WTF? Not a chance!
As 3PO isn’t there to translate, no one knows what he says. Luke mistakes it for excitement.
LUKE: That’s right, R2! You’re going to help save Han!
R2-D2: (subtitled) Who put this guy in charge? Since when is the farmboy a master tactician?
LUKE: I know you’re excited, R2, but we need to work out the plan first.
LEIA: Do we really need to send the droids in? 3PO is useless in a rescue scenario and it’s better if we’re only risking one man. Possibly less than a complete man since it’s Lando.
LANDO: I said I was sorry about that whole betrayal thing! Look, if we need another man on the inside, I still say it’d be damn easy to sell Leia to Jabba as a new dancing girl. She’d have prime access to the throne room and might come in handy as distraction.
LEIA: I would rather be the daughter of Darth Vader than be forced to wear some kind of skimpy harem get-up as that slug’s personal slave!
R2-D2: (subtitled) Uh… about that first thing, Princess… Be careful what you wish for.
LEIA: It sounds like R2 agrees with me.
LUKE: For what it’s worth, Leia, I think you could pull the slave girl outfit off.
Leia musters a disgusted chuckle. R2 chirps.
R2-D2: (subtitled) Kid, I hope the Jedi medical insurance covers therapy... because you'll be seeing a shrink for years once you do your family tree.
LUKE: Okay, so once we have the droids inside then we’ll send Leia in disguised as a bounty hunter and she’ll give Chewie to Jabba!
CHEWIE: (Subtitled) Say what?
LEIA: I’m confused. How does giving the droids to Jabba make it easier for me to turn Chewie over to Jabba?
CHEWIE: (subtitled) Better question: why do I have to be taken prisoner?
LANDO: Why do we need Chewie locked up too? That’s just one more person to save.
LUKE: The last time we listened to you, everyone got captured. I’m running this show. Anyway, once Chewie’s locked up and everyone’s gone to bed, Leia will unfreeze Han and get him out of the palace.
LANDO: Should I help her?
LUKE: It’s too risky. Might blow your cover.
LANDO: How about I disable security? Make sure Jabba’s not anywhere nearby? Create a diversion?
LUKE: No, just sit back. No matter what happens, don’t help Leia.
LEIA: What if we get caught?
LUKE: You won’t get caught.
LANDO: Ah... I get it. Because while Leia’s doing that, you’ll have 3PO, R2 and Chewie doing something to make Leia and Han’s escape possible.
LUKE: No, they do nothing.
LANDO: But why send them in at all?
LUKE: We need Leia on the inside and the only way to give her credibility as a bounty hunter is to have her bring in Chewie.
LANDO: I’m already on the inside! Why do you need the droids there too?
LEIA: Yeah, I don’t quite see how Chewie and I really add anything to this. Or 3PO for that matter.
R2-D2: (subtitled) Especially 3PO.
LANDO: And what are you doing in all this, Luke?
LUKE: Easy, I go in, negotiate with Jabba for Chewie’s release and if things get dicey, R2 will have my lightsaber.
LANDO: But what if they search R2? And how do you know Jabba won’t put him somewhere other than the throne room. And if you don’t send Chewie in in the first place, then you won’t need to go in personally to get him out!
LUKE: Oh for crying outloud. (waves his hand across Lando and Leia’s eyes) This IS a great plan.
Lando and Leia falls under the spell of the Jedi mind trick.
LANDO and LEIA: This IS a great plan!
LUKE: Absolutely nothing can go wrong.
LANDO and LEIA: Absolutely nothing can go wrong.
LUKE: Now let’s get to work on my absurdly complicated rescue mission. R2, try not to get searched or have your memory erased by Jabba’s droid minders. Otherwise, we’re screwed!
---------------
INT. LUKE'S PLANNING ROOM
Luke shuts the door. Leia, Lando, Chewie and R2-D2 are all in attendance.
LUKE: Okay, I’ve got 3PO busy talking to the binary load lifters out back. Should be safe for us to meet.
LANDO: I don’t understand why he’s not allowed to see me and Chewie. This has been going on for months since we left Cloud City.
LUKE: Because it’s important that he think you and Chewbacca never returned from Jabba’s Palace.
LANDO: But why?
LUKE: It just is. Trust me. Anyway, Lando’s managed to pass himself off as one of Jabba’s guards, so we’ve got a man on the inside.
LANDO: So what’s the plan? Wait until Jabba’s asleep, I do a little voodoo on the security and then defrost Han and sneak him out of the palace before anyone’s the wiser?
LUKE: I don’t like it. It’s too risky. You need back-up – so I’m going to give R2 and 3PO to Jabba.
R2-D2 twitters angrily at that.
R2-D2: (subtitled) WTF? Not a chance!
As 3PO isn’t there to translate, no one knows what he says. Luke mistakes it for excitement.
LUKE: That’s right, R2! You’re going to help save Han!
R2-D2: (subtitled) Who put this guy in charge? Since when is the farmboy a master tactician?
LUKE: I know you’re excited, R2, but we need to work out the plan first.
LEIA: Do we really need to send the droids in? 3PO is useless in a rescue scenario and it’s better if we’re only risking one man. Possibly less than a complete man since it’s Lando.
LANDO: I said I was sorry about that whole betrayal thing! Look, if we need another man on the inside, I still say it’d be damn easy to sell Leia to Jabba as a new dancing girl. She’d have prime access to the throne room and might come in handy as distraction.
LEIA: I would rather be the daughter of Darth Vader than be forced to wear some kind of skimpy harem get-up as that slug’s personal slave!
R2-D2: (subtitled) Uh… about that first thing, Princess… Be careful what you wish for.
LEIA: It sounds like R2 agrees with me.
LUKE: For what it’s worth, Leia, I think you could pull the slave girl outfit off.
Leia musters a disgusted chuckle. R2 chirps.
R2-D2: (subtitled) Kid, I hope the Jedi medical insurance covers therapy... because you'll be seeing a shrink for years once you do your family tree.
LUKE: Okay, so once we have the droids inside then we’ll send Leia in disguised as a bounty hunter and she’ll give Chewie to Jabba!
CHEWIE: (Subtitled) Say what?
LEIA: I’m confused. How does giving the droids to Jabba make it easier for me to turn Chewie over to Jabba?
CHEWIE: (subtitled) Better question: why do I have to be taken prisoner?
LANDO: Why do we need Chewie locked up too? That’s just one more person to save.
LUKE: The last time we listened to you, everyone got captured. I’m running this show. Anyway, once Chewie’s locked up and everyone’s gone to bed, Leia will unfreeze Han and get him out of the palace.
LANDO: Should I help her?
LUKE: It’s too risky. Might blow your cover.
LANDO: How about I disable security? Make sure Jabba’s not anywhere nearby? Create a diversion?
LUKE: No, just sit back. No matter what happens, don’t help Leia.
LEIA: What if we get caught?
LUKE: You won’t get caught.
LANDO: Ah... I get it. Because while Leia’s doing that, you’ll have 3PO, R2 and Chewie doing something to make Leia and Han’s escape possible.
LUKE: No, they do nothing.
LANDO: But why send them in at all?
LUKE: We need Leia on the inside and the only way to give her credibility as a bounty hunter is to have her bring in Chewie.
LANDO: I’m already on the inside! Why do you need the droids there too?
LEIA: Yeah, I don’t quite see how Chewie and I really add anything to this. Or 3PO for that matter.
R2-D2: (subtitled) Especially 3PO.
LANDO: And what are you doing in all this, Luke?
LUKE: Easy, I go in, negotiate with Jabba for Chewie’s release and if things get dicey, R2 will have my lightsaber.
LANDO: But what if they search R2? And how do you know Jabba won’t put him somewhere other than the throne room. And if you don’t send Chewie in in the first place, then you won’t need to go in personally to get him out!
LUKE: Oh for crying outloud. (waves his hand across Lando and Leia’s eyes) This IS a great plan.
Lando and Leia falls under the spell of the Jedi mind trick.
LANDO and LEIA: This IS a great plan!
LUKE: Absolutely nothing can go wrong.
LANDO and LEIA: Absolutely nothing can go wrong.
LUKE: Now let’s get to work on my absurdly complicated rescue mission. R2, try not to get searched or have your memory erased by Jabba’s droid minders. Otherwise, we’re screwed!
Amateur Friday - On The Corner of Rue St. Aloise and Rue Du Cheval
Genre: Drama/Period/Thriller
Premise: November 1944, Strasbourg, France. A Solider wakes up with amnesia in "La Zone Occupée". The only thing he remembers is his duty to deliver a package on the corner of Rue St. Aloise and Rue Du Cheval at 10:30pm. No name, no date, and under no circumstances is the package to be opened.
About: Every Friday, I review a script from the readers of the site. If you’re interested in submitting your script for an Amateur Review, send it in PDF form, along with your title, genre, logline, and why I should read your script to Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Keep in mind your script will be posted.
Writer: Samuel Clark
Details: 97 pages (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).
Samuel’s been a Scriptshadow reader for a long time, offering up very well-thought out responses whenever he joins in on the discussion. He’s submitted a few entries for Amateur Friday but none of the loglines really caught my eye - until this one.
I know they say amnesia is one of the most overused devices in screenwriting, but for whatever reason, I never get bored with it. Now of course if you apply it in a really stupid way or don’t attempt to do anything different with it, it gets lame fast. But in no way does a story that begins with a character who’s lost his memory turn me off.
And that’s exactly how “Rue Du Cheval” begins. It’s 1944 France, and Pierre, a soldier in his late 20s, wakes up in a makeshift church/hospital with a bandage over his head and no memory of how he got there. With him is a package that reads: “Deliver the package. AT ALL COSTS! 10:30p.m. On the corner of Rue St Aloise and Rue Du Cheval. DO NOT OPEN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.”
Confused but determined to carry out his duty, Pierre heads over to the address a couple of nights in a row, but both times gets there late. Eventually, he stumbles into a nearby bar run by the pretty but sad manager, Hannelore.
When one of the nastier German generals stops by the empty bar for a late drink, he notices Pierre’s package and starts asking him about it. It gets to the point where Pierre has no choice but to shoot and kill the man, as well as the officer who’s with him.
After this shocking turn of events, Hannelore and Pierre look at each other, realizing they’re in this together til the end now.
Pierre starts splitting his time between Hannelore’s place and the church, continuing to try and deliver the package every night, but he’s always too late or the area is too well guarded. During this time Pierre is also having dreams about the package, remembering bits and pieces of how he became involved and why it might be so important. However the dreams always end before he can find out all the answers.
As more German officers start snooping around the bar, looking for Ullrich, Pierre and Hannelore realize they’re going to need to get rid of the bodies soon, and start planning to take them to a far away river, which will require passing a couple of German checkpoints, not an easy task.
Pierre continues to try and deliver the package in the meantime, but the stars continue to misalign and he’s never able to accomplish his mission.
Samuel Clark noted to me in his e-mail that this script was very European in nature and I agree with that. This definitely doesn’t take the obvious route that a Hollywood version would explore. However this is both a blessing and a curse for the story, as I think the Hollywood approach could’ve helped solve some of the more redundant problems in the script.
My big beef with Rue Du Cheval is the repetitive nature of the screenplay, starting with Pierre’s continued missed attempts to deliver the package. The way I envisioned the story when I saw the logline was that it was going to be one long extremely difficult journey to deliver this package to its destination. The fact that the destination is only a couple of blocks away presents some problems.
First, you have to figure out a reason why the main character can’t just deliver the package right away. And that reason turns out to be that he gets there a few minutes late. I wasn’t thrilled about this reasoning (10-20 minutes difference in the delivery time being a major obstacle that prevents our hero from achieving his goal feels a little too simplistic) but I went with it. My problem is that this obstacle repeats itself over and over again throughout the story. The combination of – what was in my mind – a thin obstacle, along with our protagonist conveniently missing the drop over and over again was simply too difficult to buy into. To be honest, it felt like we were stalling the story so it could last a full 100 minutes.
Another aspect of the script I had a problem with was the dream sequences. I’ve always felt that dream sequences were kind of film-schooly, an excuse to create trippy visuals that didn’t need to make sense. To Clark’s credit, he uses the sequences (at times) to reveal backstory about Pierre’s situation, but he ended up killing one of the best mysteries in the process.
I think we’re all wondering what the hell is in this package. When we’re told that it’s the key to ending the war, that takes a lot of the mystery away. You can make an argument that this information raises the stakes for our hero (a package that ends the war is a really important package), but to me, sacrificing the biggest mystery in your script was a lot to give up for those added stakes.
As for the good stuff, there’s plenty of it. I thought all the Ullrich bar stuff and the killing and suqbsequent hiding of the bodies was good. I really liked their trip out to the river where they stashed the bodies in beer barrels and the subsequent checkpoint scene. It was an easy script to read.
It just took an adjustment to get used to the fact that THAT story (dealing with the aftermath of the killings) was the real story, and the package stuff was secondary. I think I would’ve preferred the package story being the star, since that’s what lured us in and that’s what we were originally excited about.
Samuel’s a good writer. Everything is succinct, descriptive, there’s plenty of conflict here. In the end it comes down to the treatment of the idea being a little different from what I was expecting. Will be interesting to hear if you guys agree or not.
Script link: On The Corner of Rue St. Aloise and Rue Du Cheval
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Get on message boards. Comment in the comments section. Develop relationships with people online. Throw them a nice e-mail every once in awhile. People are more likely to read your script if they’ve heard of you in some capacity and that takes time. It takes getting to know someone. I’ve seen Samuel on here forever. He’s e-mailed me a few courteous e-mails before, asking me to read his scripts. So when he finally came up with something that sounded good, I was more than happy to oblige.
Premise: November 1944, Strasbourg, France. A Solider wakes up with amnesia in "La Zone Occupée". The only thing he remembers is his duty to deliver a package on the corner of Rue St. Aloise and Rue Du Cheval at 10:30pm. No name, no date, and under no circumstances is the package to be opened.
About: Every Friday, I review a script from the readers of the site. If you’re interested in submitting your script for an Amateur Review, send it in PDF form, along with your title, genre, logline, and why I should read your script to Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Keep in mind your script will be posted.
Writer: Samuel Clark
Details: 97 pages (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).
Samuel’s been a Scriptshadow reader for a long time, offering up very well-thought out responses whenever he joins in on the discussion. He’s submitted a few entries for Amateur Friday but none of the loglines really caught my eye - until this one.
I know they say amnesia is one of the most overused devices in screenwriting, but for whatever reason, I never get bored with it. Now of course if you apply it in a really stupid way or don’t attempt to do anything different with it, it gets lame fast. But in no way does a story that begins with a character who’s lost his memory turn me off.
And that’s exactly how “Rue Du Cheval” begins. It’s 1944 France, and Pierre, a soldier in his late 20s, wakes up in a makeshift church/hospital with a bandage over his head and no memory of how he got there. With him is a package that reads: “Deliver the package. AT ALL COSTS! 10:30p.m. On the corner of Rue St Aloise and Rue Du Cheval. DO NOT OPEN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.”
Confused but determined to carry out his duty, Pierre heads over to the address a couple of nights in a row, but both times gets there late. Eventually, he stumbles into a nearby bar run by the pretty but sad manager, Hannelore.
When one of the nastier German generals stops by the empty bar for a late drink, he notices Pierre’s package and starts asking him about it. It gets to the point where Pierre has no choice but to shoot and kill the man, as well as the officer who’s with him.
After this shocking turn of events, Hannelore and Pierre look at each other, realizing they’re in this together til the end now.
Pierre starts splitting his time between Hannelore’s place and the church, continuing to try and deliver the package every night, but he’s always too late or the area is too well guarded. During this time Pierre is also having dreams about the package, remembering bits and pieces of how he became involved and why it might be so important. However the dreams always end before he can find out all the answers.
As more German officers start snooping around the bar, looking for Ullrich, Pierre and Hannelore realize they’re going to need to get rid of the bodies soon, and start planning to take them to a far away river, which will require passing a couple of German checkpoints, not an easy task.
Pierre continues to try and deliver the package in the meantime, but the stars continue to misalign and he’s never able to accomplish his mission.
Samuel Clark noted to me in his e-mail that this script was very European in nature and I agree with that. This definitely doesn’t take the obvious route that a Hollywood version would explore. However this is both a blessing and a curse for the story, as I think the Hollywood approach could’ve helped solve some of the more redundant problems in the script.
My big beef with Rue Du Cheval is the repetitive nature of the screenplay, starting with Pierre’s continued missed attempts to deliver the package. The way I envisioned the story when I saw the logline was that it was going to be one long extremely difficult journey to deliver this package to its destination. The fact that the destination is only a couple of blocks away presents some problems.
First, you have to figure out a reason why the main character can’t just deliver the package right away. And that reason turns out to be that he gets there a few minutes late. I wasn’t thrilled about this reasoning (10-20 minutes difference in the delivery time being a major obstacle that prevents our hero from achieving his goal feels a little too simplistic) but I went with it. My problem is that this obstacle repeats itself over and over again throughout the story. The combination of – what was in my mind – a thin obstacle, along with our protagonist conveniently missing the drop over and over again was simply too difficult to buy into. To be honest, it felt like we were stalling the story so it could last a full 100 minutes.
Another aspect of the script I had a problem with was the dream sequences. I’ve always felt that dream sequences were kind of film-schooly, an excuse to create trippy visuals that didn’t need to make sense. To Clark’s credit, he uses the sequences (at times) to reveal backstory about Pierre’s situation, but he ended up killing one of the best mysteries in the process.
I think we’re all wondering what the hell is in this package. When we’re told that it’s the key to ending the war, that takes a lot of the mystery away. You can make an argument that this information raises the stakes for our hero (a package that ends the war is a really important package), but to me, sacrificing the biggest mystery in your script was a lot to give up for those added stakes.
As for the good stuff, there’s plenty of it. I thought all the Ullrich bar stuff and the killing and suqbsequent hiding of the bodies was good. I really liked their trip out to the river where they stashed the bodies in beer barrels and the subsequent checkpoint scene. It was an easy script to read.
It just took an adjustment to get used to the fact that THAT story (dealing with the aftermath of the killings) was the real story, and the package stuff was secondary. I think I would’ve preferred the package story being the star, since that’s what lured us in and that’s what we were originally excited about.
Samuel’s a good writer. Everything is succinct, descriptive, there’s plenty of conflict here. In the end it comes down to the treatment of the idea being a little different from what I was expecting. Will be interesting to hear if you guys agree or not.
Script link: On The Corner of Rue St. Aloise and Rue Du Cheval
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Get on message boards. Comment in the comments section. Develop relationships with people online. Throw them a nice e-mail every once in awhile. People are more likely to read your script if they’ve heard of you in some capacity and that takes time. It takes getting to know someone. I’ve seen Samuel on here forever. He’s e-mailed me a few courteous e-mails before, asking me to read his scripts. So when he finally came up with something that sounded good, I was more than happy to oblige.
Amateur Friday - On The Corner of Rue St. Aloise and Rue Du Cheval
Genre: Drama/Period/Thriller
Premise: November 1944, Strasbourg, France. A Solider wakes up with amnesia in "La Zone Occupée". The only thing he remembers is his duty to deliver a package on the corner of Rue St. Aloise and Rue Du Cheval at 10:30pm. No name, no date, and under no circumstances is the package to be opened.
About: Every Friday, I review a script from the readers of the site. If you’re interested in submitting your script for an Amateur Review, send it in PDF form, along with your title, genre, logline, and why I should read your script to Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Keep in mind your script will be posted.
Writer: Samuel Clark
Details: 97 pages (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).
Samuel’s been a Scriptshadow reader for a long time, offering up very well-thought out responses whenever he joins in on the discussion. He’s submitted a few entries for Amateur Friday but none of the loglines really caught my eye - until this one.
I know they say amnesia is one of the most overused devices in screenwriting, but for whatever reason, I never get bored with it. Now of course if you apply it in a really stupid way or don’t attempt to do anything different with it, it gets lame fast. But in no way does a story that begins with a character who’s lost his memory turn me off.
And that’s exactly how “Rue Du Cheval” begins. It’s 1944 France, and Pierre, a soldier in his late 20s, wakes up in a makeshift church/hospital with a bandage over his head and no memory of how he got there. With him is a package that reads: “Deliver the package. AT ALL COSTS! 10:30p.m. On the corner of Rue St Aloise and Rue Du Cheval. DO NOT OPEN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.”
Confused but determined to carry out his duty, Pierre heads over to the address a couple of nights in a row, but both times gets there late. Eventually, he stumbles into a nearby bar run by the pretty but sad manager, Hannelore.
When one of the nastier German generals stops by the empty bar for a late drink, he notices Pierre’s package and starts asking him about it. It gets to the point where Pierre has no choice but to shoot and kill the man, as well as the officer who’s with him.
After this shocking turn of events, Hannelore and Pierre look at each other, realizing they’re in this together til the end now.
Pierre starts splitting his time between Hannelore’s place and the church, continuing to try and deliver the package every night, but he’s always too late or the area is too well guarded. During this time Pierre is also having dreams about the package, remembering bits and pieces of how he became involved and why it might be so important. However the dreams always end before he can find out all the answers.
As more German officers start snooping around the bar, looking for Ullrich, Pierre and Hannelore realize they’re going to need to get rid of the bodies soon, and start planning to take them to a far away river, which will require passing a couple of German checkpoints, not an easy task.
Pierre continues to try and deliver the package in the meantime, but the stars continue to misalign and he’s never able to accomplish his mission.
Samuel Clark noted to me in his e-mail that this script was very European in nature and I agree with that. This definitely doesn’t take the obvious route that a Hollywood version would explore. However this is both a blessing and a curse for the story, as I think the Hollywood approach could’ve helped solve some of the more redundant problems in the script.
My big beef with Rue Du Cheval is the repetitive nature of the screenplay, starting with Pierre’s continued missed attempts to deliver the package. The way I envisioned the story when I saw the logline was that it was going to be one long extremely difficult journey to deliver this package to its destination. The fact that the destination is only a couple of blocks away presents some problems.
First, you have to figure out a reason why the main character can’t just deliver the package right away. And that reason turns out to be that he gets there a few minutes late. I wasn’t thrilled about this reasoning (10-20 minutes difference in the delivery time being a major obstacle that prevents our hero from achieving his goal feels a little too simplistic) but I went with it. My problem is that this obstacle repeats itself over and over again throughout the story. The combination of – what was in my mind – a thin obstacle, along with our protagonist conveniently missing the drop over and over again was simply too difficult to buy into. To be honest, it felt like we were stalling the story so it could last a full 100 minutes.
Another aspect of the script I had a problem with was the dream sequences. I’ve always felt that dream sequences were kind of film-schooly, an excuse to create trippy visuals that didn’t need to make sense. To Clark’s credit, he uses the sequences (at times) to reveal backstory about Pierre’s situation, but he ended up killing one of the best mysteries in the process.
I think we’re all wondering what the hell is in this package. When we’re told that it’s the key to ending the war, that takes a lot of the mystery away. You can make an argument that this information raises the stakes for our hero (a package that ends the war is a really important package), but to me, sacrificing the biggest mystery in your script was a lot to give up for those added stakes.
As for the good stuff, there’s plenty of it. I thought all the Ullrich bar stuff and the killing and suqbsequent hiding of the bodies was good. I really liked their trip out to the river where they stashed the bodies in beer barrels and the subsequent checkpoint scene. It was an easy script to read.
It just took an adjustment to get used to the fact that THAT story (dealing with the aftermath of the killings) was the real story, and the package stuff was secondary. I think I would’ve preferred the package story being the star, since that’s what lured us in and that’s what we were originally excited about.
Samuel’s a good writer. Everything is succinct, descriptive, there’s plenty of conflict here. In the end it comes down to the treatment of the idea being a little different from what I was expecting. Will be interesting to hear if you guys agree or not.
Script link: On The Corner of Rue St. Aloise and Rue Du Cheval
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Get on message boards. Comment in the comments section. Develop relationships with people online. Throw them a nice e-mail every once in awhile. People are more likely to read your script if they’ve heard of you in some capacity and that takes time. It takes getting to know someone. I’ve seen Samuel on here forever. He’s e-mailed me a few courteous e-mails before, asking me to read his scripts. So when he finally came up with something that sounded good, I was more than happy to oblige.
Premise: November 1944, Strasbourg, France. A Solider wakes up with amnesia in "La Zone Occupée". The only thing he remembers is his duty to deliver a package on the corner of Rue St. Aloise and Rue Du Cheval at 10:30pm. No name, no date, and under no circumstances is the package to be opened.
About: Every Friday, I review a script from the readers of the site. If you’re interested in submitting your script for an Amateur Review, send it in PDF form, along with your title, genre, logline, and why I should read your script to Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Keep in mind your script will be posted.
Writer: Samuel Clark
Details: 97 pages (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).
Samuel’s been a Scriptshadow reader for a long time, offering up very well-thought out responses whenever he joins in on the discussion. He’s submitted a few entries for Amateur Friday but none of the loglines really caught my eye - until this one.
I know they say amnesia is one of the most overused devices in screenwriting, but for whatever reason, I never get bored with it. Now of course if you apply it in a really stupid way or don’t attempt to do anything different with it, it gets lame fast. But in no way does a story that begins with a character who’s lost his memory turn me off.
And that’s exactly how “Rue Du Cheval” begins. It’s 1944 France, and Pierre, a soldier in his late 20s, wakes up in a makeshift church/hospital with a bandage over his head and no memory of how he got there. With him is a package that reads: “Deliver the package. AT ALL COSTS! 10:30p.m. On the corner of Rue St Aloise and Rue Du Cheval. DO NOT OPEN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.”
Confused but determined to carry out his duty, Pierre heads over to the address a couple of nights in a row, but both times gets there late. Eventually, he stumbles into a nearby bar run by the pretty but sad manager, Hannelore.
When one of the nastier German generals stops by the empty bar for a late drink, he notices Pierre’s package and starts asking him about it. It gets to the point where Pierre has no choice but to shoot and kill the man, as well as the officer who’s with him.
After this shocking turn of events, Hannelore and Pierre look at each other, realizing they’re in this together til the end now.
Pierre starts splitting his time between Hannelore’s place and the church, continuing to try and deliver the package every night, but he’s always too late or the area is too well guarded. During this time Pierre is also having dreams about the package, remembering bits and pieces of how he became involved and why it might be so important. However the dreams always end before he can find out all the answers.
As more German officers start snooping around the bar, looking for Ullrich, Pierre and Hannelore realize they’re going to need to get rid of the bodies soon, and start planning to take them to a far away river, which will require passing a couple of German checkpoints, not an easy task.
Pierre continues to try and deliver the package in the meantime, but the stars continue to misalign and he’s never able to accomplish his mission.
Samuel Clark noted to me in his e-mail that this script was very European in nature and I agree with that. This definitely doesn’t take the obvious route that a Hollywood version would explore. However this is both a blessing and a curse for the story, as I think the Hollywood approach could’ve helped solve some of the more redundant problems in the script.
My big beef with Rue Du Cheval is the repetitive nature of the screenplay, starting with Pierre’s continued missed attempts to deliver the package. The way I envisioned the story when I saw the logline was that it was going to be one long extremely difficult journey to deliver this package to its destination. The fact that the destination is only a couple of blocks away presents some problems.
First, you have to figure out a reason why the main character can’t just deliver the package right away. And that reason turns out to be that he gets there a few minutes late. I wasn’t thrilled about this reasoning (10-20 minutes difference in the delivery time being a major obstacle that prevents our hero from achieving his goal feels a little too simplistic) but I went with it. My problem is that this obstacle repeats itself over and over again throughout the story. The combination of – what was in my mind – a thin obstacle, along with our protagonist conveniently missing the drop over and over again was simply too difficult to buy into. To be honest, it felt like we were stalling the story so it could last a full 100 minutes.
Another aspect of the script I had a problem with was the dream sequences. I’ve always felt that dream sequences were kind of film-schooly, an excuse to create trippy visuals that didn’t need to make sense. To Clark’s credit, he uses the sequences (at times) to reveal backstory about Pierre’s situation, but he ended up killing one of the best mysteries in the process.
I think we’re all wondering what the hell is in this package. When we’re told that it’s the key to ending the war, that takes a lot of the mystery away. You can make an argument that this information raises the stakes for our hero (a package that ends the war is a really important package), but to me, sacrificing the biggest mystery in your script was a lot to give up for those added stakes.
As for the good stuff, there’s plenty of it. I thought all the Ullrich bar stuff and the killing and suqbsequent hiding of the bodies was good. I really liked their trip out to the river where they stashed the bodies in beer barrels and the subsequent checkpoint scene. It was an easy script to read.
It just took an adjustment to get used to the fact that THAT story (dealing with the aftermath of the killings) was the real story, and the package stuff was secondary. I think I would’ve preferred the package story being the star, since that’s what lured us in and that’s what we were originally excited about.
Samuel’s a good writer. Everything is succinct, descriptive, there’s plenty of conflict here. In the end it comes down to the treatment of the idea being a little different from what I was expecting. Will be interesting to hear if you guys agree or not.
Script link: On The Corner of Rue St. Aloise and Rue Du Cheval
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Get on message boards. Comment in the comments section. Develop relationships with people online. Throw them a nice e-mail every once in awhile. People are more likely to read your script if they’ve heard of you in some capacity and that takes time. It takes getting to know someone. I’ve seen Samuel on here forever. He’s e-mailed me a few courteous e-mails before, asking me to read his scripts. So when he finally came up with something that sounded good, I was more than happy to oblige.
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