The Silver Linings Playbook

Genre: Drama/Love Story
Premise: A man is released from the mental hospital with his mind set on getting his wife back. He’ll unfortunately need the help of a woman as crazy as him.
About: This is perfect subject matter for David O. Russell, since it's pretty well known he's a bit nuts himself. Playbook’s been in the headlines a lot lately, first for having a female character that every actress in Hollywood wanted to play, and then because it broke up the long-time friendship/partnership between David O. Russell and Mark Wahlberg. Apparently, after The Fighter’s success (Wahlberg brought David on to direct when nobody else wanted anything to do with him), Mark just figured he'd automatically be cast in Playbook. Instead, Russell went with Bradley Cooper, and Mark was pissed. Next thing you know it’s Selena Gomez and Demi Lavato all over again. Or is it Samantha Ronson and Lindsey Lohan all over again? Oh I don’t know. I’ll check PerezHilton and get back to you.The film also stars Jennifer Lawrence, Julia Stiles, Chris Tucker and Robert De Niro.
Writer: David O Russell (based on the novel by Matthew Quick)
Details: 127 pages - 2008 draft (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

It's hard to talk about David O. Russell without mentioning all the controversy that follows him. This guy creates so much drama, you could throw him on the cast of Jersey Shore and the show wouldn’t skip a beat. I've been lukewarm to Russel’s work. I’ve always thought he was interesting, but there’s this consistent lack of focus in his storytelling that's always bothered me. For example, Christian Bale’s character was so dominant in The Fighter that the whole boxing match at the end with Mark Wahlberg felt tacked on. To be honest, I’m still not sure who the main character was in that movie.

Well that's about to change today. This is my favorite thing Russell has done by far. Just last week, in my review of Black, I talked about the need to exploit a genre and give it something new. This is the perfect example of that. It's the most offbeat love story I've read in a long time.

30 -year-old Pat Peoples, a former high school substitute, has just gotten out of the mental hospital, and is moving back in with his parents. All he can think about is getting back together with his wife, Nikki. Unfortunately, the reason Pat got stuck in the hospital in the first place is because he mercilessly beat up the man who Nikki was cheating on him with.

What Pat didn't realize was that the reason Nikki was cheating on him was because he’d given up on life. Now that Pat has been allowed back into the world, he's decided to change. All he cares about is getting in the best shape possible and being as optimistic and positive as possible, so he can prove to Nikki he’s worthy of being hers again.

Pat’s brother eventually sets him up with Tiffany, who’s a piece of work herself. Her husband recently died, and she was so traumatized that she started having sex with every guy she worked with. Obviously, this became problematic for the company so they let her go. That means Tiffany's living with her parents just like Pat! The blind date is a disaster. Pat’s disgusted by this woman, and when the night is over, he hopes to never see her again.

Unfortunately, when Pat goes jogging the next day, Tiffany joins him, staying a perfect 10 paces behind him. This leads to a hilarious conversation where Pat explains he wants nothing to do with her and Tiffany explains she wants nothing to do with him, yet they keep running exactly 10 paces from one another the entire time. This becomes a daily ritual between the two until Pat realizes that Tiffany, through a mutual friend, has access to his wife (who, it should be mentioned, has a restraining order against Pat).

Tiffany agrees to deliver a secret letter to Nikki if, and only if, Pat agrees to become her partner in a modern dance competition that takes place in three weeks. The last thing Pat wants to do is dance, but he realizes it's the only way he’ll be able to communicate with his wife, so he agrees to it. These two oddballs get to know each other during their extensive practice time, and Tiffany starts to fall for Pat. With the eventual meeting of Pat’s wife looming, it remains to be seen whether Pat will reciprocate that love.

First thing’s first. Remember people, this is a writer-director draft. That's why there's all of this long text on the page. Why the description gets too specific in places. Why it feels overwritten here and there. Russell does not have to impress any readers. He just came off a box office hit and can make anything he wants. The thing is, despite this alienating style, the actual writing is simple and poignant, so the script reads well.

It's funny though, the more I think about it, the more I realize Russell probably never had to deal with the spec market. He just wrote a script and directed it (Spanking The Monkey), which is probably why his style is so reader-unfriendly. If you don’t have to impress readers, you never have to learn what impresses readers. This is why Eric Roth (Forrest Gump) has a somewhat unique style as well (some may call him the King of Parentheticals). He too never had to write a spec script. He was hired to write projects right out of college.

Anyway, I thought this script was great. The big lesson that came out of it for me was “anticipation.” If you can make the audience anticipate something - if you can make them want to see something badly - the story will fly by, because we'll be looking forward to “that” moment. That’s what the device of Nikki (Pat’s wife) does here. Pat is so obsessed with her, he so believes that they're going to get back together (even though we know he’s got no shot), that we can't wait for that meeting to come. And this is created through Russell’s detailing of Pat’s obsession. None of this works if Pat is only mildly interested in seeing his wife again. It works because he’s CONVINCED, beyond a reasonable doubt, that she’ll take him back once she sees him. As strange as it sounds, we can’t wait to see his reaction when that dream is crushed.

Another thing I wanted to point out was this running gag (no pun intended) of them jogging 10 paces away from one another. Whenever you write a romantic comedy or a love story or any relationship movie, one of the biggest challenges is coming up with interesting places to put your characters when they have conversations. If it's just a bunch of talking in coffee shops and rooms, it’s boring. So you want to look for locations/situations that can make an average conversation dynamic in some capacity.

The jogging scenes here are a great example of that. First of all, you have conflict. He doesn't want her jogging with him. And second you have the unique conversational component. She's in back of him the whole time. They both have to yell in order to talk. It's 1000 times more interesting than putting your characters across from one another at a table. That's not to say you won’t have those scenes. There's usually going to be one or two dates in a relationship movie where the characters are at a dinner table (and actually Pat and Tiffany’s first date is at a diner). But the idea is to minimize those locations as much as possible.

The thing that worried me the most about the script actually ended up being one of its best attributes. The introduction of this dance contest had the potential to be a really cheesy forced plot thread. I'm actually not sure how Russell and Quick pulled it off but somehow it became an organic extension of the story and quite sweet and moving. When the competition nears, and he hears his wife may be coming, you are on pins and needles waiting to see what will happen.

The presentation here was a little clumsy but the story was top notch. Just barely missed an impressive.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Occasionally in your screenplay, you'll need to highlight documents, usually for expositional purposes. The best way to handle these documents is not to go into detail about what they say, but only highlight the relevant words needed to sell the exposition. For example, when Pat’s mom picks him up from the mental hospital, the audience needs to know that the only reason he’s getting released is because he's going into his mom's care. Therefore, this is what Russell writes:

“ …she signs 'Jean Peoples' as we see phrases: 'ASSUMES FULL RESPONSIBILITY' and 'HOSPITAL BEARS NO LIABILITY.'”

All you need to do is highlight the relevant phrases on the document and then move on. Don't give us a word by word account of the entire paragraph. It takes up space and this other way is so much easier.

The Silver Linings Playbook

Genre: Drama/Love Story
Premise: A man is released from the mental hospital with his mind set on getting his wife back. He’ll unfortunately need the help of a woman as crazy as him.
About: This is perfect subject matter for David O. Russell, since it's pretty well known he's a bit nuts himself. Playbook’s been in the headlines a lot lately, first for having a female character that every actress in Hollywood wanted to play, and then because it broke up the long-time friendship/partnership between David O. Russell and Mark Wahlberg. Apparently, after The Fighter’s success (Wahlberg brought David on to direct when nobody else wanted anything to do with him), Mark just figured he'd automatically be cast in Playbook. Instead, Russell went with Bradley Cooper, and Mark was pissed. Next thing you know it’s Selena Gomez and Demi Lavato all over again. Or is it Samantha Ronson and Lindsey Lohan all over again? Oh I don’t know. I’ll check PerezHilton and get back to you.The film also stars Jennifer Lawrence, Julia Stiles, Chris Tucker and Robert De Niro.
Writer: David O Russell (based on the novel by Matthew Quick)
Details: 127 pages - 2008 draft (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

It's hard to talk about David O. Russell without mentioning all the controversy that follows him. This guy creates so much drama, you could throw him on the cast of Jersey Shore and the show wouldn’t skip a beat. I've been lukewarm to Russel’s work. I’ve always thought he was interesting, but there’s this consistent lack of focus in his storytelling that's always bothered me. For example, Christian Bale’s character was so dominant in The Fighter that the whole boxing match at the end with Mark Wahlberg felt tacked on. To be honest, I’m still not sure who the main character was in that movie.

Well that's about to change today. This is my favorite thing Russell has done by far. Just last week, in my review of Black, I talked about the need to exploit a genre and give it something new. This is the perfect example of that. It's the most offbeat love story I've read in a long time.

30 -year-old Pat Peoples, a former high school substitute, has just gotten out of the mental hospital, and is moving back in with his parents. All he can think about is getting back together with his wife, Nikki. Unfortunately, the reason Pat got stuck in the hospital in the first place is because he mercilessly beat up the man who Nikki was cheating on him with.

What Pat didn't realize was that the reason Nikki was cheating on him was because he’d given up on life. Now that Pat has been allowed back into the world, he's decided to change. All he cares about is getting in the best shape possible and being as optimistic and positive as possible, so he can prove to Nikki he’s worthy of being hers again.

Pat’s brother eventually sets him up with Tiffany, who’s a piece of work herself. Her husband recently died, and she was so traumatized that she started having sex with every guy she worked with. Obviously, this became problematic for the company so they let her go. That means Tiffany's living with her parents just like Pat! The blind date is a disaster. Pat’s disgusted by this woman, and when the night is over, he hopes to never see her again.

Unfortunately, when Pat goes jogging the next day, Tiffany joins him, staying a perfect 10 paces behind him. This leads to a hilarious conversation where Pat explains he wants nothing to do with her and Tiffany explains she wants nothing to do with him, yet they keep running exactly 10 paces from one another the entire time. This becomes a daily ritual between the two until Pat realizes that Tiffany, through a mutual friend, has access to his wife (who, it should be mentioned, has a restraining order against Pat).

Tiffany agrees to deliver a secret letter to Nikki if, and only if, Pat agrees to become her partner in a modern dance competition that takes place in three weeks. The last thing Pat wants to do is dance, but he realizes it's the only way he’ll be able to communicate with his wife, so he agrees to it. These two oddballs get to know each other during their extensive practice time, and Tiffany starts to fall for Pat. With the eventual meeting of Pat’s wife looming, it remains to be seen whether Pat will reciprocate that love.

First thing’s first. Remember people, this is a writer-director draft. That's why there's all of this long text on the page. Why the description gets too specific in places. Why it feels overwritten here and there. Russell does not have to impress any readers. He just came off a box office hit and can make anything he wants. The thing is, despite this alienating style, the actual writing is simple and poignant, so the script reads well.

It's funny though, the more I think about it, the more I realize Russell probably never had to deal with the spec market. He just wrote a script and directed it (Spanking The Monkey), which is probably why his style is so reader-unfriendly. If you don’t have to impress readers, you never have to learn what impresses readers. This is why Eric Roth (Forrest Gump) has a somewhat unique style as well (some may call him the King of Parentheticals). He too never had to write a spec script. He was hired to write projects right out of college.

Anyway, I thought this script was great. The big lesson that came out of it for me was “anticipation.” If you can make the audience anticipate something - if you can make them want to see something badly - the story will fly by, because we'll be looking forward to “that” moment. That’s what the device of Nikki (Pat’s wife) does here. Pat is so obsessed with her, he so believes that they're going to get back together (even though we know he’s got no shot), that we can't wait for that meeting to come. And this is created through Russell’s detailing of Pat’s obsession. None of this works if Pat is only mildly interested in seeing his wife again. It works because he’s CONVINCED, beyond a reasonable doubt, that she’ll take him back once she sees him. As strange as it sounds, we can’t wait to see his reaction when that dream is crushed.

Another thing I wanted to point out was this running gag (no pun intended) of them jogging 10 paces away from one another. Whenever you write a romantic comedy or a love story or any relationship movie, one of the biggest challenges is coming up with interesting places to put your characters when they have conversations. If it's just a bunch of talking in coffee shops and rooms, it’s boring. So you want to look for locations/situations that can make an average conversation dynamic in some capacity.

The jogging scenes here are a great example of that. First of all, you have conflict. He doesn't want her jogging with him. And second you have the unique conversational component. She's in back of him the whole time. They both have to yell in order to talk. It's 1000 times more interesting than putting your characters across from one another at a table. That's not to say you won’t have those scenes. There's usually going to be one or two dates in a relationship movie where the characters are at a dinner table (and actually Pat and Tiffany’s first date is at a diner). But the idea is to minimize those locations as much as possible.

The thing that worried me the most about the script actually ended up being one of its best attributes. The introduction of this dance contest had the potential to be a really cheesy forced plot thread. I'm actually not sure how Russell and Quick pulled it off but somehow it became an organic extension of the story and quite sweet and moving. When the competition nears, and he hears his wife may be coming, you are on pins and needles waiting to see what will happen.

The presentation here was a little clumsy but the story was top notch. Just barely missed an impressive.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Occasionally in your screenplay, you'll need to highlight documents, usually for expositional purposes. The best way to handle these documents is not to go into detail about what they say, but only highlight the relevant words needed to sell the exposition. For example, when Pat’s mom picks him up from the mental hospital, the audience needs to know that the only reason he’s getting released is because he's going into his mom's care. Therefore, this is what Russell writes:

“ …she signs 'Jean Peoples' as we see phrases: 'ASSUMES FULL RESPONSIBILITY' and 'HOSPITAL BEARS NO LIABILITY.'”

All you need to do is highlight the relevant phrases on the document and then move on. Don't give us a word by word account of the entire paragraph. It takes up space and this other way is so much easier.

The Silver Linings Playbook

Genre: Drama/Love Story
Premise: A man is released from the mental hospital with his mind set on getting his wife back. He’ll unfortunately need the help of a woman as crazy as him.
About: This is perfect subject matter for David O. Russell, since it's pretty well known he's a bit nuts himself. Playbook’s been in the headlines a lot lately, first for having a female character that every actress in Hollywood wanted to play, and then because it broke up the long-time friendship/partnership between David O. Russell and Mark Wahlberg. Apparently, after The Fighter’s success (Wahlberg brought David on to direct when nobody else wanted anything to do with him), Mark just figured he'd automatically be cast in Playbook. Instead, Russell went with Bradley Cooper, and Mark was pissed. Next thing you know it’s Selena Gomez and Demi Lavato all over again. Or is it Samantha Ronson and Lindsey Lohan all over again? Oh I don’t know. I’ll check PerezHilton and get back to you.The film also stars Jennifer Lawrence, Julia Stiles, Chris Tucker and Robert De Niro.
Writer: David O Russell (based on the novel by Matthew Quick)
Details: 127 pages - 2008 draft (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

It's hard to talk about David O. Russell without mentioning all the controversy that follows him. This guy creates so much drama, you could throw him on the cast of Jersey Shore and the show wouldn’t skip a beat. I've been lukewarm to Russel’s work. I’ve always thought he was interesting, but there’s this consistent lack of focus in his storytelling that's always bothered me. For example, Christian Bale’s character was so dominant in The Fighter that the whole boxing match at the end with Mark Wahlberg felt tacked on. To be honest, I’m still not sure who the main character was in that movie.

Well that's about to change today. This is my favorite thing Russell has done by far. Just last week, in my review of Black, I talked about the need to exploit a genre and give it something new. This is the perfect example of that. It's the most offbeat love story I've read in a long time.

30 -year-old Pat Peoples, a former high school substitute, has just gotten out of the mental hospital, and is moving back in with his parents. All he can think about is getting back together with his wife, Nikki. Unfortunately, the reason Pat got stuck in the hospital in the first place is because he mercilessly beat up the man who Nikki was cheating on him with.

What Pat didn't realize was that the reason Nikki was cheating on him was because he’d given up on life. Now that Pat has been allowed back into the world, he's decided to change. All he cares about is getting in the best shape possible and being as optimistic and positive as possible, so he can prove to Nikki he’s worthy of being hers again.

Pat’s brother eventually sets him up with Tiffany, who’s a piece of work herself. Her husband recently died, and she was so traumatized that she started having sex with every guy she worked with. Obviously, this became problematic for the company so they let her go. That means Tiffany's living with her parents just like Pat! The blind date is a disaster. Pat’s disgusted by this woman, and when the night is over, he hopes to never see her again.

Unfortunately, when Pat goes jogging the next day, Tiffany joins him, staying a perfect 10 paces behind him. This leads to a hilarious conversation where Pat explains he wants nothing to do with her and Tiffany explains she wants nothing to do with him, yet they keep running exactly 10 paces from one another the entire time. This becomes a daily ritual between the two until Pat realizes that Tiffany, through a mutual friend, has access to his wife (who, it should be mentioned, has a restraining order against Pat).

Tiffany agrees to deliver a secret letter to Nikki if, and only if, Pat agrees to become her partner in a modern dance competition that takes place in three weeks. The last thing Pat wants to do is dance, but he realizes it's the only way he’ll be able to communicate with his wife, so he agrees to it. These two oddballs get to know each other during their extensive practice time, and Tiffany starts to fall for Pat. With the eventual meeting of Pat’s wife looming, it remains to be seen whether Pat will reciprocate that love.

First thing’s first. Remember people, this is a writer-director draft. That's why there's all of this long text on the page. Why the description gets too specific in places. Why it feels overwritten here and there. Russell does not have to impress any readers. He just came off a box office hit and can make anything he wants. The thing is, despite this alienating style, the actual writing is simple and poignant, so the script reads well.

It's funny though, the more I think about it, the more I realize Russell probably never had to deal with the spec market. He just wrote a script and directed it (Spanking The Monkey), which is probably why his style is so reader-unfriendly. If you don’t have to impress readers, you never have to learn what impresses readers. This is why Eric Roth (Forrest Gump) has a somewhat unique style as well (some may call him the King of Parentheticals). He too never had to write a spec script. He was hired to write projects right out of college.

Anyway, I thought this script was great. The big lesson that came out of it for me was “anticipation.” If you can make the audience anticipate something - if you can make them want to see something badly - the story will fly by, because we'll be looking forward to “that” moment. That’s what the device of Nikki (Pat’s wife) does here. Pat is so obsessed with her, he so believes that they're going to get back together (even though we know he’s got no shot), that we can't wait for that meeting to come. And this is created through Russell’s detailing of Pat’s obsession. None of this works if Pat is only mildly interested in seeing his wife again. It works because he’s CONVINCED, beyond a reasonable doubt, that she’ll take him back once she sees him. As strange as it sounds, we can’t wait to see his reaction when that dream is crushed.

Another thing I wanted to point out was this running gag (no pun intended) of them jogging 10 paces away from one another. Whenever you write a romantic comedy or a love story or any relationship movie, one of the biggest challenges is coming up with interesting places to put your characters when they have conversations. If it's just a bunch of talking in coffee shops and rooms, it’s boring. So you want to look for locations/situations that can make an average conversation dynamic in some capacity.

The jogging scenes here are a great example of that. First of all, you have conflict. He doesn't want her jogging with him. And second you have the unique conversational component. She's in back of him the whole time. They both have to yell in order to talk. It's 1000 times more interesting than putting your characters across from one another at a table. That's not to say you won’t have those scenes. There's usually going to be one or two dates in a relationship movie where the characters are at a dinner table (and actually Pat and Tiffany’s first date is at a diner). But the idea is to minimize those locations as much as possible.

The thing that worried me the most about the script actually ended up being one of its best attributes. The introduction of this dance contest had the potential to be a really cheesy forced plot thread. I'm actually not sure how Russell and Quick pulled it off but somehow it became an organic extension of the story and quite sweet and moving. When the competition nears, and he hears his wife may be coming, you are on pins and needles waiting to see what will happen.

The presentation here was a little clumsy but the story was top notch. Just barely missed an impressive.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Occasionally in your screenplay, you'll need to highlight documents, usually for expositional purposes. The best way to handle these documents is not to go into detail about what they say, but only highlight the relevant words needed to sell the exposition. For example, when Pat’s mom picks him up from the mental hospital, the audience needs to know that the only reason he’s getting released is because he's going into his mom's care. Therefore, this is what Russell writes:

“ …she signs 'Jean Peoples' as we see phrases: 'ASSUMES FULL RESPONSIBILITY' and 'HOSPITAL BEARS NO LIABILITY.'”

All you need to do is highlight the relevant phrases on the document and then move on. Don't give us a word by word account of the entire paragraph. It takes up space and this other way is so much easier.

The Silver Linings Playbook

Genre: Drama/Love Story
Premise: A man is released from the mental hospital with his mind set on getting his wife back. He’ll unfortunately need the help of a woman as crazy as him.
About: This is perfect subject matter for David O. Russell, since it's pretty well known he's a bit nuts himself. Playbook’s been in the headlines a lot lately, first for having a female character that every actress in Hollywood wanted to play, and then because it broke up the long-time friendship/partnership between David O. Russell and Mark Wahlberg. Apparently, after The Fighter’s success (Wahlberg brought David on to direct when nobody else wanted anything to do with him), Mark just figured he'd automatically be cast in Playbook. Instead, Russell went with Bradley Cooper, and Mark was pissed. Next thing you know it’s Selena Gomez and Demi Lavato all over again. Or is it Samantha Ronson and Lindsey Lohan all over again? Oh I don’t know. I’ll check PerezHilton and get back to you.The film also stars Jennifer Lawrence, Julia Stiles, Chris Tucker and Robert De Niro.
Writer: David O Russell (based on the novel by Matthew Quick)
Details: 127 pages - 2008 draft (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

It's hard to talk about David O. Russell without mentioning all the controversy that follows him. This guy creates so much drama, you could throw him on the cast of Jersey Shore and the show wouldn’t skip a beat. I've been lukewarm to Russel’s work. I’ve always thought he was interesting, but there’s this consistent lack of focus in his storytelling that's always bothered me. For example, Christian Bale’s character was so dominant in The Fighter that the whole boxing match at the end with Mark Wahlberg felt tacked on. To be honest, I’m still not sure who the main character was in that movie.

Well that's about to change today. This is my favorite thing Russell has done by far. Just last week, in my review of Black, I talked about the need to exploit a genre and give it something new. This is the perfect example of that. It's the most offbeat love story I've read in a long time.

30 -year-old Pat Peoples, a former high school substitute, has just gotten out of the mental hospital, and is moving back in with his parents. All he can think about is getting back together with his wife, Nikki. Unfortunately, the reason Pat got stuck in the hospital in the first place is because he mercilessly beat up the man who Nikki was cheating on him with.

What Pat didn't realize was that the reason Nikki was cheating on him was because he’d given up on life. Now that Pat has been allowed back into the world, he's decided to change. All he cares about is getting in the best shape possible and being as optimistic and positive as possible, so he can prove to Nikki he’s worthy of being hers again.

Pat’s brother eventually sets him up with Tiffany, who’s a piece of work herself. Her husband recently died, and she was so traumatized that she started having sex with every guy she worked with. Obviously, this became problematic for the company so they let her go. That means Tiffany's living with her parents just like Pat! The blind date is a disaster. Pat’s disgusted by this woman, and when the night is over, he hopes to never see her again.

Unfortunately, when Pat goes jogging the next day, Tiffany joins him, staying a perfect 10 paces behind him. This leads to a hilarious conversation where Pat explains he wants nothing to do with her and Tiffany explains she wants nothing to do with him, yet they keep running exactly 10 paces from one another the entire time. This becomes a daily ritual between the two until Pat realizes that Tiffany, through a mutual friend, has access to his wife (who, it should be mentioned, has a restraining order against Pat).

Tiffany agrees to deliver a secret letter to Nikki if, and only if, Pat agrees to become her partner in a modern dance competition that takes place in three weeks. The last thing Pat wants to do is dance, but he realizes it's the only way he’ll be able to communicate with his wife, so he agrees to it. These two oddballs get to know each other during their extensive practice time, and Tiffany starts to fall for Pat. With the eventual meeting of Pat’s wife looming, it remains to be seen whether Pat will reciprocate that love.

First thing’s first. Remember people, this is a writer-director draft. That's why there's all of this long text on the page. Why the description gets too specific in places. Why it feels overwritten here and there. Russell does not have to impress any readers. He just came off a box office hit and can make anything he wants. The thing is, despite this alienating style, the actual writing is simple and poignant, so the script reads well.

It's funny though, the more I think about it, the more I realize Russell probably never had to deal with the spec market. He just wrote a script and directed it (Spanking The Monkey), which is probably why his style is so reader-unfriendly. If you don’t have to impress readers, you never have to learn what impresses readers. This is why Eric Roth (Forrest Gump) has a somewhat unique style as well (some may call him the King of Parentheticals). He too never had to write a spec script. He was hired to write projects right out of college.

Anyway, I thought this script was great. The big lesson that came out of it for me was “anticipation.” If you can make the audience anticipate something - if you can make them want to see something badly - the story will fly by, because we'll be looking forward to “that” moment. That’s what the device of Nikki (Pat’s wife) does here. Pat is so obsessed with her, he so believes that they're going to get back together (even though we know he’s got no shot), that we can't wait for that meeting to come. And this is created through Russell’s detailing of Pat’s obsession. None of this works if Pat is only mildly interested in seeing his wife again. It works because he’s CONVINCED, beyond a reasonable doubt, that she’ll take him back once she sees him. As strange as it sounds, we can’t wait to see his reaction when that dream is crushed.

Another thing I wanted to point out was this running gag (no pun intended) of them jogging 10 paces away from one another. Whenever you write a romantic comedy or a love story or any relationship movie, one of the biggest challenges is coming up with interesting places to put your characters when they have conversations. If it's just a bunch of talking in coffee shops and rooms, it’s boring. So you want to look for locations/situations that can make an average conversation dynamic in some capacity.

The jogging scenes here are a great example of that. First of all, you have conflict. He doesn't want her jogging with him. And second you have the unique conversational component. She's in back of him the whole time. They both have to yell in order to talk. It's 1000 times more interesting than putting your characters across from one another at a table. That's not to say you won’t have those scenes. There's usually going to be one or two dates in a relationship movie where the characters are at a dinner table (and actually Pat and Tiffany’s first date is at a diner). But the idea is to minimize those locations as much as possible.

The thing that worried me the most about the script actually ended up being one of its best attributes. The introduction of this dance contest had the potential to be a really cheesy forced plot thread. I'm actually not sure how Russell and Quick pulled it off but somehow it became an organic extension of the story and quite sweet and moving. When the competition nears, and he hears his wife may be coming, you are on pins and needles waiting to see what will happen.

The presentation here was a little clumsy but the story was top notch. Just barely missed an impressive.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Occasionally in your screenplay, you'll need to highlight documents, usually for expositional purposes. The best way to handle these documents is not to go into detail about what they say, but only highlight the relevant words needed to sell the exposition. For example, when Pat’s mom picks him up from the mental hospital, the audience needs to know that the only reason he’s getting released is because he's going into his mom's care. Therefore, this is what Russell writes:

“ …she signs 'Jean Peoples' as we see phrases: 'ASSUMES FULL RESPONSIBILITY' and 'HOSPITAL BEARS NO LIABILITY.'”

All you need to do is highlight the relevant phrases on the document and then move on. Don't give us a word by word account of the entire paragraph. It takes up space and this other way is so much easier.

Broad villains in comedies

Derek asks:

Hi Zuul, 

First, thanks for all of the knowledge you've passed down via the site. I've picked up a lot of stuff from it and I appreciate your efforts.

I'm writing a comedy, and the antagonist is an aggressive, serious, overconfident man, kind of like Bradley Cooper's character in Wedding Crashers. A typical d-bag, if you will. I can't help wondering if the script would be funnier if the bad guy was more over-the-top, the way the bad guys Will Ferrell plays are (Zoolander's Mugato is a good example). Seems like it's more meaningful if the bad guy really is just a terrible human being, someone we hate, someone we want to see defeated by the good guy. At the same time, lots of comedies these days go with the over-the-top, likable bad guy to cash in on as many laughs as possible, often at the expense of meaningful conflict. What do you think?

It's funny you should bring this up because I was recently thinking about villains in 80s comedies and how often they were treated much more seriously than modern comedy villains.  In fact, if you made some of those comedies today, they might not even have their "serious" bad guys and instead focus more on the high concept premise.

Consider Three Men & A Baby.  In that film, three bachelor roommates are saddled with an infant fathered by one of the men.  The comedy comes from the men awkwardly embracing fatherhood, only to bond with the infant and then be faced with losing her when the mother comes back into the picture.

Oh, and there's also a subplot about a couple drug dealers trying to get their hands on a package of drugs that was sent to one of the main characters on the same day that the baby was left on the doorstep.

Wait, what?

And then there's Twins.  Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito are twin brothers engineered in an experiement who find each other in adulthood.  Not only are the two of different physiques, but also different temperments and lifestyles.  There's instant comedy conflict.

Oh, and in the middle of this film there's a subplot about the brothers having crossed a contract delivery man/killer who murders in cold blood anyone who sees his face.  (I'm vastly oversimplifying, but I don't want to get too much into that unnecessarily convoluted plot.)

I don't know exactly when the shift happened, but my point is that there was a time when even the most fluffy and escapist of premises seemed obligated to include bad guys willing to shoot our heroes dead if needed.  And then thing is, I wouldn't call the antagonists of either of those films "pretty well-developed."  It's not as if the gun-toting killers brought meaningful conflict.  The best I can figure is that those movies were a product of the times.

With regard to your specific question, I think that today, there's a stronger sense of matching the bad guy to the tone of the film.  You bring up Mugatu from Zoolander as an example of the over-the-top bad guy as contrasted with Bradley Cooper in Wedding Crashers.  First, I thought Cooper was pretty much one-dimensional in that film (but that might be because I've never, ever warmed to that actor).  But I think the more cogent point is, you couldn't put Mugatu into Wedding Crashers and have that movie work in the same way.  He doesn't fit in that reality at all.

Yet the other examples I cited would suggest that you can put a "serious" bad guy into an inherently light premise and not disrupt reality as much.  For your specific story, I think the answer probably lies in how elastic your reality is.  In a film like There's Something About Mary, there's enough latitude to go relatively broad with the antagonists without either making them cartoons or threatening the integrity of the film.

But this is probably a topic that could generate a lot of discussion, so what do you say, folks?

Broad villains in comedies

Derek asks:

Hi Zuul, 

First, thanks for all of the knowledge you've passed down via the site. I've picked up a lot of stuff from it and I appreciate your efforts.

I'm writing a comedy, and the antagonist is an aggressive, serious, overconfident man, kind of like Bradley Cooper's character in Wedding Crashers. A typical d-bag, if you will. I can't help wondering if the script would be funnier if the bad guy was more over-the-top, the way the bad guys Will Ferrell plays are (Zoolander's Mugato is a good example). Seems like it's more meaningful if the bad guy really is just a terrible human being, someone we hate, someone we want to see defeated by the good guy. At the same time, lots of comedies these days go with the over-the-top, likable bad guy to cash in on as many laughs as possible, often at the expense of meaningful conflict. What do you think?

It's funny you should bring this up because I was recently thinking about villains in 80s comedies and how often they were treated much more seriously than modern comedy villains.  In fact, if you made some of those comedies today, they might not even have their "serious" bad guys and instead focus more on the high concept premise.

Consider Three Men & A Baby.  In that film, three bachelor roommates are saddled with an infant fathered by one of the men.  The comedy comes from the men awkwardly embracing fatherhood, only to bond with the infant and then be faced with losing her when the mother comes back into the picture.

Oh, and there's also a subplot about a couple drug dealers trying to get their hands on a package of drugs that was sent to one of the main characters on the same day that the baby was left on the doorstep.

Wait, what?

And then there's Twins.  Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito are twin brothers engineered in an experiement who find each other in adulthood.  Not only are the two of different physiques, but also different temperments and lifestyles.  There's instant comedy conflict.

Oh, and in the middle of this film there's a subplot about the brothers having crossed a contract delivery man/killer who murders in cold blood anyone who sees his face.  (I'm vastly oversimplifying, but I don't want to get too much into that unnecessarily convoluted plot.)

I don't know exactly when the shift happened, but my point is that there was a time when even the most fluffy and escapist of premises seemed obligated to include bad guys willing to shoot our heroes dead if needed.  And then thing is, I wouldn't call the antagonists of either of those films "pretty well-developed."  It's not as if the gun-toting killers brought meaningful conflict.  The best I can figure is that those movies were a product of the times.

With regard to your specific question, I think that today, there's a stronger sense of matching the bad guy to the tone of the film.  You bring up Mugatu from Zoolander as an example of the over-the-top bad guy as contrasted with Bradley Cooper in Wedding Crashers.  First, I thought Cooper was pretty much one-dimensional in that film (but that might be because I've never, ever warmed to that actor).  But I think the more cogent point is, you couldn't put Mugatu into Wedding Crashers and have that movie work in the same way.  He doesn't fit in that reality at all.

Yet the other examples I cited would suggest that you can put a "serious" bad guy into an inherently light premise and not disrupt reality as much.  For your specific story, I think the answer probably lies in how elastic your reality is.  In a film like There's Something About Mary, there's enough latitude to go relatively broad with the antagonists without either making them cartoons or threatening the integrity of the film.

But this is probably a topic that could generate a lot of discussion, so what do you say, folks?

Halloween Week!!! - Amateur Friday - The Hostage

Genre: Horror/Thriller
Premise: (from writers) It's a brilliant bank robbery plan. But there's one contingency no one could have planned for: One of the hostages turns into a werewolf, turning the bank they've locked down to keep out the police into a deathtrap. And turning a criminal into a hero.
About: One of the writers of today's script, B.P.Kelsey, is an up-and-coming one-sheet artist. I've included one of his posters in the review below. -- Every Friday, I review a script from the readers of the site. If you’re interested in submitting your script for an Amateur Review, send it in PDF form, along with your title, genre, logline, and why I should read your script to Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Keep in mind your script will be posted in the review (feel free to keep your identity and script title private by providing an alias and fake title). Also, it's a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so that your submission stays near the top of the pile.
Writers: Joel Thomas & B.P.Kelsey
Details: 101 pages – undated (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

 

Created by writer Kelsey

Werewolf. Heist. Nuff said.

The Hostage centers around Liam Bardwell. Liam is in his 40s and is coughing up blood faster than a vampire with the flu. That's because he's got cancer, which is a big reason he's leading this heist in the first place.

His second in command is a scary ass dude named Frankie Mitts. Even though Liam’s in charge of the show, Frankie believes he's the star. When things start going to shit - and you know they will - it's Frankie who will insist on directing.

Our other main character is Jamee, a single mother in her 20s who's trying to manage a bank while dealing with a divorce. She's just started dating again which isn't making her cop husband happy. When he unexpectedly drops their daughter, Kristin, off, she's furious, as it was supposed to be his turn to take her. She has a big date with a doctor that night (who’s there at the bank waiting), and now she doesn’t know what to do.

Well my dear, get ready for a bigger problem. Liam and his crew bust into the bank right after her husband leaves. The workers are marched down into the vault and the bad guys begin executing their plan. That is until they hear screaming downstairs. They head back to the vault and find nearly everybody ripped to shreds.

If you think you have bad luck picking men, try finding out your boyfriend is a werewolf! But the heist crew doesn't know that yet. They think some crazy ass dog got in here and had a field day. Da Nile ain't just a river in Egypt boys.

After a couple of more slaughters, it's clear they’re dealing with something bigger. Problem is, they can't leave the bank because there's a billion police officers outside. They have to stick to the plan – dig a tunnel to an underground escape pipe - all with a hungry werewolf on their heels.

Eventually Liam hooks up with Jamee and Frankie gets a hold of her daughter, Kristin. So in addition to getting the money, digging the hole, and avoiding a werewolf, Liam and Jamee have to get her daughter back from Senor Psychopath.

The police are finally able to sneak inside, but they quickly become a bowl of pooch pastries as well. Will anybody make it out of this heist alive? Read The Hostage to find out.

Another one of Kelsey's posters - A movie about Bigfoot

The Hostage has a lot going for it. I love the premise. I love the situation. As far as the promise of the premise goes, the script delivers. It’s packed with tension. The structure is solid. We have a clear goal. We have clear stakes. We have clear urgency. Everybody's motivations are strong. If I was running a production company and this showed up on my desk, I would look long and hard into purchasing it, even though horror isn't my strong suit.

So why, then, was I not loving The Hostage? Could it be that I'm not into werewolves? No. I’m not into vampires but I loved Elevator Men.

I stripped away all my analytical instincts and asked a simple question: "What was it about this script that I didn't like?"

When I asked that question, I realized there wasn't a single character in the script I connected with. Now let me make something clear. The characters here are all better than the characters in Bryan Bertino’s Black. But there was still something missing.

Let's start with Liam, who has cancer. The problem with this is, it still doesn't tell me anything about his character. Just giving Liam cancer doesn't make him "deep." Yes, it adds a little bit of context, but I still don't know anything about his life. Look at Breaking Bad. In that show, we see our hero manning a second job at a car wash, struggling to support his family. We see the manager force him to join the cleaners and help wipe down cars, a totally humiliating experience for a family man. We see one of his rich students (he’s also a chemistry teacher) drive up, see his teacher cleaning cars, and start laughing at him. In that moment, we get a perfect snapshot of this person's life, his struggle. And we feel for him. We're ready to root for this guy through anything.

I know that's a TV show and you have more time to explore characters in TV, but you have to pick at least one person in your movie and give us a reason to root for them. Tell us about who they are and why they're in this situation. We get bits and pieces of that with Liam, but never enough to give a shit about him. The reason this is so important is because we have to want Liam to get that money. We have to care about him saving himself or his family. And since we know so little about him, we don't. It's only after all of this is over that I officially learn he's trying to obtain money for his family anyway.

There's a little more going on with Jamee. I liked that she had a daughter and how the daughter gets split up from her. But I don't know. I never connected with her either. It was almost as if the relationship with her husband was thrown in at the beginning to give the appearance of depth, and then forgotten from that point on. I don't even remember what happened to him. Why is it that we spend time with the feisty random Latino female police officer trying to get inside and not on one of our character’s husbands – who’s a COP!?

If you look at Ripley in Aliens, who's in a similar scenario, she's constantly battling this issue of trust. She doesn’t trust Bishop. She doesn’t trust Paul Riser’s lawyer character. On the flip side, she's the only one on this crew that Newt trusts – who Newt knows will protect her. So there's a theme and a struggle that the film is constantly hitting on, which gives everything a deeper meaning.

Once we get into the fray here, it's just a bunch of people running around, trying to avoid a werewolf.

The stranger thing about The Hostage is that it occasionally wastes character development on random or meaningless characters. Outside of Random Feisty Latino Cop, we also get Marcus, the police commander, who takes up all of five pages in the screenplay. Yet he’s given this whole backstory about a wife who keeps trying to call him but he won't answer. Why is it that I know more about a throwaway character than I do the two main characters?

Even little things about the characters didn't make sense. For example, Liam is in his 40s and he's a grandfather. I know that's possible but it doesn't sound right. Jamee is a 20-something bank manager? Isn't that a little young to be managing a bank? She’s also divorced with an eight-year-old kid. When did she get married? When she was 16? Was she a child bride? Did she get married to one of the actors on Lost? It's details like this that make me wonder if the characters were thought through at all.

Now there is some good here. The structure is solid. The script has a ton of energy. There are a lot of clever touches. I love that they weren’t after money, but rather an expensive coin collection. I loved that they later use those coins (because they're silver) to shoot down the Wolf. Being forced to make a choice between keeping a $2 million coin or using it to kill a dangerous beast is a great movie moment. I loved the twist with those coins (I won't spoil it but let's say their initial plan to use them as bullets doesn't work). I loved that the bank robbers wore sheep masks. And the plan for the heist was a good one - something I could see real live bank robbers using.

And you know what? This FEELS like a movie. I could see it being made. I could see renting it myself. It's a cool idea. But if this is going to be more than a straight to VOD title. If it's going to be something you remember and recommend to your friends, the characters are going to have to improve. Because right now, they’re what’s keeping a cool idea from becoming a great movie.

Script link: The Hostage

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Giving a character a disease doesn't make them deep. Diseases are actually common in movies. People have cancer. People have AIDS. So if that's all you tell us, it just feels cliché. It’s the circumstances you build around those diseases that flesh out the character and make them real. Breaking Bad is the perfect example. We don't just see that our hero has cancer. We’re given the circumstances by which cancer will affect his life. Treatment will cripple his family’s bank account when he already has a disabled son and another baby on the way. Thomas and Kelsey try to hint at Liam’s family issues in an early phone call. Unfortunately, that doesn't do anything for us. We don't see the family. We don't see the people he's fighting for. It doesn't affect us at all. I understand that this is a horror thriller and you want to move into the story as soon as possible, but you have to figure out a way to make us care about the characters first. When you think of Taken, you remember a lot of running around, a lot of action, and a lot of excitement. But remember, the first 30 minutes of that movie are about a father and his relationship with his daughter. It's never easy balancing character development with urgency in movies, but it has to be done.

Halloween Week!!! - Amateur Friday - The Hostage

Genre: Horror/Thriller
Premise: (from writers) It's a brilliant bank robbery plan. But there's one contingency no one could have planned for: One of the hostages turns into a werewolf, turning the bank they've locked down to keep out the police into a deathtrap. And turning a criminal into a hero.
About: One of the writers of today's script, B.P.Kelsey, is an up-and-coming one-sheet artist. I've included one of his posters in the review below. -- Every Friday, I review a script from the readers of the site. If you’re interested in submitting your script for an Amateur Review, send it in PDF form, along with your title, genre, logline, and why I should read your script to Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Keep in mind your script will be posted in the review (feel free to keep your identity and script title private by providing an alias and fake title). Also, it's a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so that your submission stays near the top of the pile.
Writers: Joel Thomas & B.P.Kelsey
Details: 101 pages – undated (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

 

Created by writer Kelsey

Werewolf. Heist. Nuff said.

The Hostage centers around Liam Bardwell. Liam is in his 40s and is coughing up blood faster than a vampire with the flu. That's because he's got cancer, which is a big reason he's leading this heist in the first place.

His second in command is a scary ass dude named Frankie Mitts. Even though Liam’s in charge of the show, Frankie believes he's the star. When things start going to shit - and you know they will - it's Frankie who will insist on directing.

Our other main character is Jamee, a single mother in her 20s who's trying to manage a bank while dealing with a divorce. She's just started dating again which isn't making her cop husband happy. When he unexpectedly drops their daughter, Kristin, off, she's furious, as it was supposed to be his turn to take her. She has a big date with a doctor that night (who’s there at the bank waiting), and now she doesn’t know what to do.

Well my dear, get ready for a bigger problem. Liam and his crew bust into the bank right after her husband leaves. The workers are marched down into the vault and the bad guys begin executing their plan. That is until they hear screaming downstairs. They head back to the vault and find nearly everybody ripped to shreds.

If you think you have bad luck picking men, try finding out your boyfriend is a werewolf! But the heist crew doesn't know that yet. They think some crazy ass dog got in here and had a field day. Da Nile ain't just a river in Egypt boys.

After a couple of more slaughters, it's clear they’re dealing with something bigger. Problem is, they can't leave the bank because there's a billion police officers outside. They have to stick to the plan – dig a tunnel to an underground escape pipe - all with a hungry werewolf on their heels.

Eventually Liam hooks up with Jamee and Frankie gets a hold of her daughter, Kristin. So in addition to getting the money, digging the hole, and avoiding a werewolf, Liam and Jamee have to get her daughter back from Senor Psychopath.

The police are finally able to sneak inside, but they quickly become a bowl of pooch pastries as well. Will anybody make it out of this heist alive? Read The Hostage to find out.

Another one of Kelsey's posters - A movie about Bigfoot

The Hostage has a lot going for it. I love the premise. I love the situation. As far as the promise of the premise goes, the script delivers. It’s packed with tension. The structure is solid. We have a clear goal. We have clear stakes. We have clear urgency. Everybody's motivations are strong. If I was running a production company and this showed up on my desk, I would look long and hard into purchasing it, even though horror isn't my strong suit.

So why, then, was I not loving The Hostage? Could it be that I'm not into werewolves? No. I’m not into vampires but I loved Elevator Men.

I stripped away all my analytical instincts and asked a simple question: "What was it about this script that I didn't like?"

When I asked that question, I realized there wasn't a single character in the script I connected with. Now let me make something clear. The characters here are all better than the characters in Bryan Bertino’s Black. But there was still something missing.

Let's start with Liam, who has cancer. The problem with this is, it still doesn't tell me anything about his character. Just giving Liam cancer doesn't make him "deep." Yes, it adds a little bit of context, but I still don't know anything about his life. Look at Breaking Bad. In that show, we see our hero manning a second job at a car wash, struggling to support his family. We see the manager force him to join the cleaners and help wipe down cars, a totally humiliating experience for a family man. We see one of his rich students (he’s also a chemistry teacher) drive up, see his teacher cleaning cars, and start laughing at him. In that moment, we get a perfect snapshot of this person's life, his struggle. And we feel for him. We're ready to root for this guy through anything.

I know that's a TV show and you have more time to explore characters in TV, but you have to pick at least one person in your movie and give us a reason to root for them. Tell us about who they are and why they're in this situation. We get bits and pieces of that with Liam, but never enough to give a shit about him. The reason this is so important is because we have to want Liam to get that money. We have to care about him saving himself or his family. And since we know so little about him, we don't. It's only after all of this is over that I officially learn he's trying to obtain money for his family anyway.

There's a little more going on with Jamee. I liked that she had a daughter and how the daughter gets split up from her. But I don't know. I never connected with her either. It was almost as if the relationship with her husband was thrown in at the beginning to give the appearance of depth, and then forgotten from that point on. I don't even remember what happened to him. Why is it that we spend time with the feisty random Latino female police officer trying to get inside and not on one of our character’s husbands – who’s a COP!?

If you look at Ripley in Aliens, who's in a similar scenario, she's constantly battling this issue of trust. She doesn’t trust Bishop. She doesn’t trust Paul Riser’s lawyer character. On the flip side, she's the only one on this crew that Newt trusts – who Newt knows will protect her. So there's a theme and a struggle that the film is constantly hitting on, which gives everything a deeper meaning.

Once we get into the fray here, it's just a bunch of people running around, trying to avoid a werewolf.

The stranger thing about The Hostage is that it occasionally wastes character development on random or meaningless characters. Outside of Random Feisty Latino Cop, we also get Marcus, the police commander, who takes up all of five pages in the screenplay. Yet he’s given this whole backstory about a wife who keeps trying to call him but he won't answer. Why is it that I know more about a throwaway character than I do the two main characters?

Even little things about the characters didn't make sense. For example, Liam is in his 40s and he's a grandfather. I know that's possible but it doesn't sound right. Jamee is a 20-something bank manager? Isn't that a little young to be managing a bank? She’s also divorced with an eight-year-old kid. When did she get married? When she was 16? Was she a child bride? Did she get married to one of the actors on Lost? It's details like this that make me wonder if the characters were thought through at all.

Now there is some good here. The structure is solid. The script has a ton of energy. There are a lot of clever touches. I love that they weren’t after money, but rather an expensive coin collection. I loved that they later use those coins (because they're silver) to shoot down the Wolf. Being forced to make a choice between keeping a $2 million coin or using it to kill a dangerous beast is a great movie moment. I loved the twist with those coins (I won't spoil it but let's say their initial plan to use them as bullets doesn't work). I loved that the bank robbers wore sheep masks. And the plan for the heist was a good one - something I could see real live bank robbers using.

And you know what? This FEELS like a movie. I could see it being made. I could see renting it myself. It's a cool idea. But if this is going to be more than a straight to VOD title. If it's going to be something you remember and recommend to your friends, the characters are going to have to improve. Because right now, they’re what’s keeping a cool idea from becoming a great movie.

Script link: The Hostage

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Giving a character a disease doesn't make them deep. Diseases are actually common in movies. People have cancer. People have AIDS. So if that's all you tell us, it just feels cliché. It’s the circumstances you build around those diseases that flesh out the character and make them real. Breaking Bad is the perfect example. We don't just see that our hero has cancer. We’re given the circumstances by which cancer will affect his life. Treatment will cripple his family’s bank account when he already has a disabled son and another baby on the way. Thomas and Kelsey try to hint at Liam’s family issues in an early phone call. Unfortunately, that doesn't do anything for us. We don't see the family. We don't see the people he's fighting for. It doesn't affect us at all. I understand that this is a horror thriller and you want to move into the story as soon as possible, but you have to figure out a way to make us care about the characters first. When you think of Taken, you remember a lot of running around, a lot of action, and a lot of excitement. But remember, the first 30 minutes of that movie are about a father and his relationship with his daughter. It's never easy balancing character development with urgency in movies, but it has to be done.

Halloween Week!!! - Amateur Friday - The Hostage

Genre: Horror/Thriller
Premise: (from writers) It's a brilliant bank robbery plan. But there's one contingency no one could have planned for: One of the hostages turns into a werewolf, turning the bank they've locked down to keep out the police into a deathtrap. And turning a criminal into a hero.
About: One of the writers of today's script, B.P.Kelsey, is an up-and-coming one-sheet artist. I've included one of his posters in the review below. -- Every Friday, I review a script from the readers of the site. If you’re interested in submitting your script for an Amateur Review, send it in PDF form, along with your title, genre, logline, and why I should read your script to Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Keep in mind your script will be posted in the review (feel free to keep your identity and script title private by providing an alias and fake title). Also, it's a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so that your submission stays near the top of the pile.
Writers: Joel Thomas & B.P.Kelsey
Details: 101 pages – undated (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

 

Created by writer Kelsey

Werewolf. Heist. Nuff said.

The Hostage centers around Liam Bardwell. Liam is in his 40s and is coughing up blood faster than a vampire with the flu. That's because he's got cancer, which is a big reason he's leading this heist in the first place.

His second in command is a scary ass dude named Frankie Mitts. Even though Liam’s in charge of the show, Frankie believes he's the star. When things start going to shit - and you know they will - it's Frankie who will insist on directing.

Our other main character is Jamee, a single mother in her 20s who's trying to manage a bank while dealing with a divorce. She's just started dating again which isn't making her cop husband happy. When he unexpectedly drops their daughter, Kristin, off, she's furious, as it was supposed to be his turn to take her. She has a big date with a doctor that night (who’s there at the bank waiting), and now she doesn’t know what to do.

Well my dear, get ready for a bigger problem. Liam and his crew bust into the bank right after her husband leaves. The workers are marched down into the vault and the bad guys begin executing their plan. That is until they hear screaming downstairs. They head back to the vault and find nearly everybody ripped to shreds.

If you think you have bad luck picking men, try finding out your boyfriend is a werewolf! But the heist crew doesn't know that yet. They think some crazy ass dog got in here and had a field day. Da Nile ain't just a river in Egypt boys.

After a couple of more slaughters, it's clear they’re dealing with something bigger. Problem is, they can't leave the bank because there's a billion police officers outside. They have to stick to the plan – dig a tunnel to an underground escape pipe - all with a hungry werewolf on their heels.

Eventually Liam hooks up with Jamee and Frankie gets a hold of her daughter, Kristin. So in addition to getting the money, digging the hole, and avoiding a werewolf, Liam and Jamee have to get her daughter back from Senor Psychopath.

The police are finally able to sneak inside, but they quickly become a bowl of pooch pastries as well. Will anybody make it out of this heist alive? Read The Hostage to find out.

Another one of Kelsey's posters - A movie about Bigfoot

The Hostage has a lot going for it. I love the premise. I love the situation. As far as the promise of the premise goes, the script delivers. It’s packed with tension. The structure is solid. We have a clear goal. We have clear stakes. We have clear urgency. Everybody's motivations are strong. If I was running a production company and this showed up on my desk, I would look long and hard into purchasing it, even though horror isn't my strong suit.

So why, then, was I not loving The Hostage? Could it be that I'm not into werewolves? No. I’m not into vampires but I loved Elevator Men.

I stripped away all my analytical instincts and asked a simple question: "What was it about this script that I didn't like?"

When I asked that question, I realized there wasn't a single character in the script I connected with. Now let me make something clear. The characters here are all better than the characters in Bryan Bertino’s Black. But there was still something missing.

Let's start with Liam, who has cancer. The problem with this is, it still doesn't tell me anything about his character. Just giving Liam cancer doesn't make him "deep." Yes, it adds a little bit of context, but I still don't know anything about his life. Look at Breaking Bad. In that show, we see our hero manning a second job at a car wash, struggling to support his family. We see the manager force him to join the cleaners and help wipe down cars, a totally humiliating experience for a family man. We see one of his rich students (he’s also a chemistry teacher) drive up, see his teacher cleaning cars, and start laughing at him. In that moment, we get a perfect snapshot of this person's life, his struggle. And we feel for him. We're ready to root for this guy through anything.

I know that's a TV show and you have more time to explore characters in TV, but you have to pick at least one person in your movie and give us a reason to root for them. Tell us about who they are and why they're in this situation. We get bits and pieces of that with Liam, but never enough to give a shit about him. The reason this is so important is because we have to want Liam to get that money. We have to care about him saving himself or his family. And since we know so little about him, we don't. It's only after all of this is over that I officially learn he's trying to obtain money for his family anyway.

There's a little more going on with Jamee. I liked that she had a daughter and how the daughter gets split up from her. But I don't know. I never connected with her either. It was almost as if the relationship with her husband was thrown in at the beginning to give the appearance of depth, and then forgotten from that point on. I don't even remember what happened to him. Why is it that we spend time with the feisty random Latino female police officer trying to get inside and not on one of our character’s husbands – who’s a COP!?

If you look at Ripley in Aliens, who's in a similar scenario, she's constantly battling this issue of trust. She doesn’t trust Bishop. She doesn’t trust Paul Riser’s lawyer character. On the flip side, she's the only one on this crew that Newt trusts – who Newt knows will protect her. So there's a theme and a struggle that the film is constantly hitting on, which gives everything a deeper meaning.

Once we get into the fray here, it's just a bunch of people running around, trying to avoid a werewolf.

The stranger thing about The Hostage is that it occasionally wastes character development on random or meaningless characters. Outside of Random Feisty Latino Cop, we also get Marcus, the police commander, who takes up all of five pages in the screenplay. Yet he’s given this whole backstory about a wife who keeps trying to call him but he won't answer. Why is it that I know more about a throwaway character than I do the two main characters?

Even little things about the characters didn't make sense. For example, Liam is in his 40s and he's a grandfather. I know that's possible but it doesn't sound right. Jamee is a 20-something bank manager? Isn't that a little young to be managing a bank? She’s also divorced with an eight-year-old kid. When did she get married? When she was 16? Was she a child bride? Did she get married to one of the actors on Lost? It's details like this that make me wonder if the characters were thought through at all.

Now there is some good here. The structure is solid. The script has a ton of energy. There are a lot of clever touches. I love that they weren’t after money, but rather an expensive coin collection. I loved that they later use those coins (because they're silver) to shoot down the Wolf. Being forced to make a choice between keeping a $2 million coin or using it to kill a dangerous beast is a great movie moment. I loved the twist with those coins (I won't spoil it but let's say their initial plan to use them as bullets doesn't work). I loved that the bank robbers wore sheep masks. And the plan for the heist was a good one - something I could see real live bank robbers using.

And you know what? This FEELS like a movie. I could see it being made. I could see renting it myself. It's a cool idea. But if this is going to be more than a straight to VOD title. If it's going to be something you remember and recommend to your friends, the characters are going to have to improve. Because right now, they’re what’s keeping a cool idea from becoming a great movie.

Script link: The Hostage

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Giving a character a disease doesn't make them deep. Diseases are actually common in movies. People have cancer. People have AIDS. So if that's all you tell us, it just feels cliché. It’s the circumstances you build around those diseases that flesh out the character and make them real. Breaking Bad is the perfect example. We don't just see that our hero has cancer. We’re given the circumstances by which cancer will affect his life. Treatment will cripple his family’s bank account when he already has a disabled son and another baby on the way. Thomas and Kelsey try to hint at Liam’s family issues in an early phone call. Unfortunately, that doesn't do anything for us. We don't see the family. We don't see the people he's fighting for. It doesn't affect us at all. I understand that this is a horror thriller and you want to move into the story as soon as possible, but you have to figure out a way to make us care about the characters first. When you think of Taken, you remember a lot of running around, a lot of action, and a lot of excitement. But remember, the first 30 minutes of that movie are about a father and his relationship with his daughter. It's never easy balancing character development with urgency in movies, but it has to be done.

Halloween Week!!! - Amateur Friday - The Hostage

Genre: Horror/Thriller
Premise: (from writers) It's a brilliant bank robbery plan. But there's one contingency no one could have planned for: One of the hostages turns into a werewolf, turning the bank they've locked down to keep out the police into a deathtrap. And turning a criminal into a hero.
About: One of the writers of today's script, B.P.Kelsey, is an up-and-coming one-sheet artist. I've included one of his posters in the review below. -- Every Friday, I review a script from the readers of the site. If you’re interested in submitting your script for an Amateur Review, send it in PDF form, along with your title, genre, logline, and why I should read your script to Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Keep in mind your script will be posted in the review (feel free to keep your identity and script title private by providing an alias and fake title). Also, it's a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so that your submission stays near the top of the pile.
Writers: Joel Thomas & B.P.Kelsey
Details: 101 pages – undated (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

 

Created by writer Kelsey

Werewolf. Heist. Nuff said.

The Hostage centers around Liam Bardwell. Liam is in his 40s and is coughing up blood faster than a vampire with the flu. That's because he's got cancer, which is a big reason he's leading this heist in the first place.

His second in command is a scary ass dude named Frankie Mitts. Even though Liam’s in charge of the show, Frankie believes he's the star. When things start going to shit - and you know they will - it's Frankie who will insist on directing.

Our other main character is Jamee, a single mother in her 20s who's trying to manage a bank while dealing with a divorce. She's just started dating again which isn't making her cop husband happy. When he unexpectedly drops their daughter, Kristin, off, she's furious, as it was supposed to be his turn to take her. She has a big date with a doctor that night (who’s there at the bank waiting), and now she doesn’t know what to do.

Well my dear, get ready for a bigger problem. Liam and his crew bust into the bank right after her husband leaves. The workers are marched down into the vault and the bad guys begin executing their plan. That is until they hear screaming downstairs. They head back to the vault and find nearly everybody ripped to shreds.

If you think you have bad luck picking men, try finding out your boyfriend is a werewolf! But the heist crew doesn't know that yet. They think some crazy ass dog got in here and had a field day. Da Nile ain't just a river in Egypt boys.

After a couple of more slaughters, it's clear they’re dealing with something bigger. Problem is, they can't leave the bank because there's a billion police officers outside. They have to stick to the plan – dig a tunnel to an underground escape pipe - all with a hungry werewolf on their heels.

Eventually Liam hooks up with Jamee and Frankie gets a hold of her daughter, Kristin. So in addition to getting the money, digging the hole, and avoiding a werewolf, Liam and Jamee have to get her daughter back from Senor Psychopath.

The police are finally able to sneak inside, but they quickly become a bowl of pooch pastries as well. Will anybody make it out of this heist alive? Read The Hostage to find out.

Another one of Kelsey's posters - A movie about Bigfoot

The Hostage has a lot going for it. I love the premise. I love the situation. As far as the promise of the premise goes, the script delivers. It’s packed with tension. The structure is solid. We have a clear goal. We have clear stakes. We have clear urgency. Everybody's motivations are strong. If I was running a production company and this showed up on my desk, I would look long and hard into purchasing it, even though horror isn't my strong suit.

So why, then, was I not loving The Hostage? Could it be that I'm not into werewolves? No. I’m not into vampires but I loved Elevator Men.

I stripped away all my analytical instincts and asked a simple question: "What was it about this script that I didn't like?"

When I asked that question, I realized there wasn't a single character in the script I connected with. Now let me make something clear. The characters here are all better than the characters in Bryan Bertino’s Black. But there was still something missing.

Let's start with Liam, who has cancer. The problem with this is, it still doesn't tell me anything about his character. Just giving Liam cancer doesn't make him "deep." Yes, it adds a little bit of context, but I still don't know anything about his life. Look at Breaking Bad. In that show, we see our hero manning a second job at a car wash, struggling to support his family. We see the manager force him to join the cleaners and help wipe down cars, a totally humiliating experience for a family man. We see one of his rich students (he’s also a chemistry teacher) drive up, see his teacher cleaning cars, and start laughing at him. In that moment, we get a perfect snapshot of this person's life, his struggle. And we feel for him. We're ready to root for this guy through anything.

I know that's a TV show and you have more time to explore characters in TV, but you have to pick at least one person in your movie and give us a reason to root for them. Tell us about who they are and why they're in this situation. We get bits and pieces of that with Liam, but never enough to give a shit about him. The reason this is so important is because we have to want Liam to get that money. We have to care about him saving himself or his family. And since we know so little about him, we don't. It's only after all of this is over that I officially learn he's trying to obtain money for his family anyway.

There's a little more going on with Jamee. I liked that she had a daughter and how the daughter gets split up from her. But I don't know. I never connected with her either. It was almost as if the relationship with her husband was thrown in at the beginning to give the appearance of depth, and then forgotten from that point on. I don't even remember what happened to him. Why is it that we spend time with the feisty random Latino female police officer trying to get inside and not on one of our character’s husbands – who’s a COP!?

If you look at Ripley in Aliens, who's in a similar scenario, she's constantly battling this issue of trust. She doesn’t trust Bishop. She doesn’t trust Paul Riser’s lawyer character. On the flip side, she's the only one on this crew that Newt trusts – who Newt knows will protect her. So there's a theme and a struggle that the film is constantly hitting on, which gives everything a deeper meaning.

Once we get into the fray here, it's just a bunch of people running around, trying to avoid a werewolf.

The stranger thing about The Hostage is that it occasionally wastes character development on random or meaningless characters. Outside of Random Feisty Latino Cop, we also get Marcus, the police commander, who takes up all of five pages in the screenplay. Yet he’s given this whole backstory about a wife who keeps trying to call him but he won't answer. Why is it that I know more about a throwaway character than I do the two main characters?

Even little things about the characters didn't make sense. For example, Liam is in his 40s and he's a grandfather. I know that's possible but it doesn't sound right. Jamee is a 20-something bank manager? Isn't that a little young to be managing a bank? She’s also divorced with an eight-year-old kid. When did she get married? When she was 16? Was she a child bride? Did she get married to one of the actors on Lost? It's details like this that make me wonder if the characters were thought through at all.

Now there is some good here. The structure is solid. The script has a ton of energy. There are a lot of clever touches. I love that they weren’t after money, but rather an expensive coin collection. I loved that they later use those coins (because they're silver) to shoot down the Wolf. Being forced to make a choice between keeping a $2 million coin or using it to kill a dangerous beast is a great movie moment. I loved the twist with those coins (I won't spoil it but let's say their initial plan to use them as bullets doesn't work). I loved that the bank robbers wore sheep masks. And the plan for the heist was a good one - something I could see real live bank robbers using.

And you know what? This FEELS like a movie. I could see it being made. I could see renting it myself. It's a cool idea. But if this is going to be more than a straight to VOD title. If it's going to be something you remember and recommend to your friends, the characters are going to have to improve. Because right now, they’re what’s keeping a cool idea from becoming a great movie.

Script link: The Hostage

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Giving a character a disease doesn't make them deep. Diseases are actually common in movies. People have cancer. People have AIDS. So if that's all you tell us, it just feels cliché. It’s the circumstances you build around those diseases that flesh out the character and make them real. Breaking Bad is the perfect example. We don't just see that our hero has cancer. We’re given the circumstances by which cancer will affect his life. Treatment will cripple his family’s bank account when he already has a disabled son and another baby on the way. Thomas and Kelsey try to hint at Liam’s family issues in an early phone call. Unfortunately, that doesn't do anything for us. We don't see the family. We don't see the people he's fighting for. It doesn't affect us at all. I understand that this is a horror thriller and you want to move into the story as soon as possible, but you have to figure out a way to make us care about the characters first. When you think of Taken, you remember a lot of running around, a lot of action, and a lot of excitement. But remember, the first 30 minutes of that movie are about a father and his relationship with his daughter. It's never easy balancing character development with urgency in movies, but it has to be done.